Helping an Ill Family Member or Friend

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Scenario #1:

Last night my mother called from Ohio.  She said Dad had been coughing a lot lately so she finally got him to see a doctor.  He had an X-Ray done and they found something in his lung that might be a cancer.  I know if he has lung cancer, he’ll probably die.  I’m thinking of flying back tonight.  I’m thinking of quitting medical school.

Scenario #2:

My grandmother is really ill.  She has heart failure, hypertension, and brittle diabetes.  Her memory is poor and she needs help going to the bathroom and eating.  Last week, she had a stroke and has been in the hospital.  My family says we should do whatever I say.  I don’t want to say the wrong thing.  I don’t want them to blame me for what happens to grandma.

Scenario #3:

A friend of mine was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He says that they are recommending that he have a Whipple Procedure done.  He wants to know if I think that is the best thing.  What should I say?

Introduction:

Members of the medical profession, including students, are often turned to by family or friends whenever a crisis arises.  Because of our love for them, we want to do all we can.  However, we must also remember what role we should play when a family member is involved.  We don’t want to inadvertently cause confusion, conflict, or mistrust.  What is most important is to express care, concern, and when asked, to help the family understand those aspects of their disease or therapy that still seems unclear and that we are comfortable explaining.  We can help alleviate fear and uncertainty.

Things to Remember:

• Make sure the role you’ll play is clear to all parties.  Communicate in a way that allows others to know how much you care.

  • The way I believe I can help best is to help you understand the treatments being prescribed and how they’ll help.  I also want to provide emotional support and help to communicate some of the questions you have to your physician.  You’re so important to me.  While I’m studying to be a doctor, I’m not one yet.  But I’m still your family member, and that means I love you very much.
• Remember that as students we have not yet completed our training nor accumulated the clinical experience necessary to fully counsel patients on complex topics.  Know your limitations and become comfortable sharing with others that you are just beginning to learn medicine.
• Recognize that some family members may not wish to “burden” you because they fear their problems might interfere with your studies.  When you suspect this may be happening, encourage open discussion and express your love and concern.
• In some instances, embrace the fact that quality time with a loved one may be more important than academics.
• If necessary, a leave of absence can be arranged from medical school in order to address the needs of a loved one.

Note:  Confidential counseling services are provided for medical students through the Counseling and Student Development Center (956-7927).

In times of a mental health crisis, individuals may call 832-3100 to access the Crisis Line of Hawaii, staffed 24/7.  If you believe you are a danger to yourself or to others, please call 911 or go to the nearest ER for assistance.

Quotes from former JABSOM students:

“Family, friends, even acquaintances will start looking to you as their own “expert” in medicine.  For me, it was easy to get sucked in and involved.  I soon learned what most of them needed was someone to listen to their experiences, and, when appropriate, refer specific questions and concerns to true “experts”.”

“It has been really great how the whole class has come together with expressions of support for classmates with ill family members.  Several have opted to defer a year in order to be with an ill family member.  The medical school is very supportive in [such difficult situations].”

“Your family comes first and being a medical student doesn’t change that.  When classmates have family health [concerns], it is a time for us to come together and support them because we [too] are a family here.  The courage and determination [shown by] some of our classmates as they have dealt with [health-related] challenges of their own or of family members have been an inspiration.”
 

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